When you are asked to speak at a funeral, it can feel like a heavy responsibility. You are being asked to distill a lifetime into a few minutes of words. It is natural to feel overwhelmed, and it is natural for the words to feel out of reach at first.
Please know that you don't have to produce a literary masterpiece. What people need most in this moment is a reflection of the person they loved: a story told with a steady heart and a gentle voice.
If you’re not sure where to begin, you can start here using et. — it will guide you one question at a time. This tool is designed to stand beside you, helping you shape those first difficult sentences so you don't have to face the blank page alone.
The gathering phase: Collecting memories
Before you try to write the first paragraph, give yourself permission to simply "gather." This is the time to look through old photographs, read through letters, or sit quietly with a cup of tea and remember.
- Look at photos: Sometimes a single image of a person laughing or working in their garden can spark a dozen stories.
- Talk to others: Reach out to family and friends. Ask them for their favorite "small" memory. Often, it’s the small, everyday quirks that capture a person better than their big achievements.
- Jot down keywords: Don’t worry about sentences yet. Just write down words like "kind," "stubborn," "lavender," or "old truck."
Finding the thread: Choosing a theme
A life is too big to cover every detail. To keep your eulogy focused, it helps to find a "thread": a recurring quality or passion that ran through their life.
Was their home always full of people? Perhaps the theme is "hospitality." Were they always fixing things for others? Perhaps the theme is "a helping hand."
By choosing one or two main qualities, you give the audience a clear way to remember them. It makes the writing process easier because you can ask yourself: Does this story show their kindness? If it doesn’t, you might save it for a private conversation later and keep the eulogy focused on that central thread.
Shaping the story: A simple structure
When you are ready to put pen to paper, a simple structure can act as a guide. You don’t need to be fancy; you just need to be clear.
The Beginning
- Introduce yourself: Briefly mention your relationship to the person.
- Acknowledge the room: Thank everyone for being there.
- Set the tone: Share the central theme you’ve chosen.
The Middle
This is the heart of the tribute. Share two or three short stories that illustrate who they were. Instead of saying "He was funny," tell a story about the time a joke went wrong. Instead of saying "She was brave," describe how she handled a difficult season of life.
The Ending
- Summarize their legacy: What will people remember most?
- A final goodbye: A direct message to the person you are honoring.
- A closing thought: A short poem, a quote they loved, or a simple "Thank you for everything."
Writing for the ear, not the eye
A eulogy is meant to be spoken aloud. This means the way you write it should be different from a traditional essay.
- Keep sentences short: Long sentences are hard to read when you are emotional or out of breath.
- Use your own voice: Don’t feel the need to use formal language if that wasn’t how you spoke to each other. If you called them "Pop," use "Pop."
- Include pauses: Write "[Pause]" or "[Deep breath]" in your notes to remind yourself to slow down.
If you find yourself stuck on a specific section, remember that you stay in control of the pace. You can write the ending first if it feels easier, and then come back to the beginning. Tools like et. allow you to edit as you go and move sections around easily, giving you the space to reflect rather than rush.
Preparing for the moment
The day of the service will be a significant one, and it’s okay to feel nervous. Your goal isn't to give a perfect performance; it’s to offer a meaningful gift to the family and the person who has passed.
- Print it out: Use a large font and double-spacing. It makes it much easier to keep your place if your eyes tear up.
- Practice aloud: Read it to a mirror or a trusted friend. This helps you find any spots where the words might trip you up.
- Have a backup: If you feel you might not be able to finish, ask a friend to stand nearby. They can take over if you need a moment.
Preserving the legacy
Once the day is over, the words you’ve written don’t have to fade away. Many families choose to preserve the eulogy alongside photos and videos in a digital memorial.
By using a QR code on the Order of Service, you can ensure that those who couldn't attend: and those who come years later: can still read your tribute and see the photos that shaped your memories. It turns a one-time speech into a lasting "dot in the sky" for future generations to find.
You are doing something beautiful
Writing a eulogy is an act of love. It is a way of saying "you mattered." Even if your voice shakes, or if you only manage a few short minutes, you are doing something incredibly meaningful for everyone in the room.
Take it one breath at a time. Take it one memory at a time.
If you’d like a gentle place to begin, you can start your first few lines here → Start your introduction. No pressure. Just a first step.